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Itrade's (Mis)Adventures

Itrade's (Mis)Adventures
by Itrade

Let’s go back in time a bit.

Punisher520, Golin Slayer, Dun Argoth, Urubaen, Manstonrox, and Race Draw8 were in the Edgeville bank, preparing to go out PKing.

Golin was brandishing his brilliant dragon chest plate. Helping out siblings did pay off after all. Itrade was just leaving Falador to retrieve Gohan when Dun Argoth informed him about his boredom and longing for “that PKing rush” .

Punisher was dabbing vomit off his armor. He was just out of a pie-eating contest. He did it just to puke on the guest of honor, the Duke of Lumbridge. He was at his eleventh pie when Golin had passed on Dun’s request. Punisher let it out on the Horatio, and contacted the next in the chain.

Race was cutting off another black dragon’s hide when Punisher had told him about the impromptu trip. He happily agreed and passed on the word.

Manny was exploiting Lumbridge’s position as the default (And only for several eons) spawning point by continually killing off those who were given their “Far-more-than-second chance” when Race had told him about the trip. A real challenge was a welcome change. He ran off before the council’s enforcers arrived.

Urubaen was the last in the chain, because he was normally the initiator. His brother was the natural second, but because Dun had started it, Uru would be the last to receive the message. He was melting the Ice Mountain with his fire waves when Manston had contacted him.

They were all gathered at the bank, waiting for one another.

“You think we might actually kill someone this time?” asked Punisher, who had just dabbed off the last of the apple pie and ale from his rune armor.

“You mean a full rune kill? Didn’t we already get a few of those?” asked Race, while looking through his bank box for more sharks.

“I mean on a real attack, you know, one that we planned,” Punisher continued.

“I doubt it. They’ll just run off, you know. Even my teleblock doesn’t do anything. They just do the normal thing: Zoom up the ladders, off the tower, into the moat, and drown,” Urubaen responded, while polishing his staff.

“There was that one guy who hit the ground, remember?” Manston chipped in, simultaneously practicing his swing on Golin’s chest plate.

“He was in mithril, though,” Golin reminded, while admiring the strength of his chest plate.

“And he was me,” added Dun Argoth, who was practicing his evil-yet-wise-yet-smug ha-ha-I-killed-you smile.

“It’s not our fault you came late,” said Race, who was giving his bowstring a fine waxing.

“Or that you came in your latest kill’s armor,” Urubaen pointed out.

“Good fun, that time,” Golin commented.

“Are we all set then?” asked Dun Argoth, who had just packed his staff, bow, wizard’s robes, and full dragon and put on his black dragon hide armor.

“Yes!” they chimed at once, and set off to one of RuneScape’s oddest pursuit yet.

The castle was, oddly deserted.

“What the heck? This is the most fun place in the wildy! There’s got to be someone here,” Golin said.

“I’m going in,” said Manny.

He threw open the doors and stepped inside. Dark warriors charged out like bees from a hive.

“There’s too many of them!” Manny cried, as he ran off, with the others on his tail.

“And stay out!” cried one of the warriors.

“What the heck was that all about?” asked Punisher, a little later on.

“They probably found their brains and got organized,” guessed Dun Argoth.

They continued north. Suddenly, they saw two men.

“Tell me what happens, guys, I gotta take a leak,” said Punisher, as he ran off to a tree.

“Almost there! This is going to be vicious, dude. I’ll tear you apart, and so totally enjoy it,” said one.

“Actually, wiping you permanently from existence will be more pleasurable,” said the other.

“What’s going on?” Dun Argoth called out.

“Hi. We’ve just purchased a Freneskean gem from some Zamorakian traveling monks. Once broken, it will emit a flash, and anyone exposed to it will have one urge – to kill the next person they see. It only works once, and when that person is killed, there is no Lumbridge. No hereafter,” said the first man.

“And, since we hate each other’s guts, we’re going to smash it very soon,” the other man said.

“So we would appreciate it if you go away, or at least cover your eyes,” finished the first man.

“All right. We’re all about honor,” said Golin.

They covered their eyes as the two men gathered around the gem. They covered it with their arms and heads so that no-one else could see the flash, though nobody else even wanted too, anyway;.

“Hey guys, check this out!” cried Punisher, who was standing over the men with his war hammer raised.

“Pun, no!” cried Golin, but it was too late.

The war hammer crushed the warriors’ heads, along with the gem. The red light was seen by all of them.

“You idiot! Cover your eyes! Good Guthix, what were you thinking?” asked Dun Argoth, his hands over his eyes.

“What was that flash? Why must I cover my eyes?” asked Punisher.

“Just don’t open them until-” Manston began.

He was interrupted by a sound.

“AAAH! Don’t hurt me! Please!” said a voice.

“Everyone, it’s mean, but turn in his direction and open your eyes,” said Race.

They did just that. Suddenly, they were charging up to him. No thought, just an urge to beat him to a pulp.

“Aaargh! I didn’t do anything!” cried the man, as he ran north.

He stumbled over a crude grave marker. He looked and saw that his leg was caught on a backpack strap.

I don’t think he’ll be needing this anymore, or at least not as much as ol’ Hoop! This grave will be mine if I don’t do anything, anyway! thought the man, as he grabbed the backpack and continued running.

“MUST KILL!” cried Dun Argoth, who was usually more intelligent than that.

Hoop charged through the greater demons. They were talking about the good old days with the unholy manhunts and such, and the disturbance was rather annoying.

One of them decided that Hoop would make a nice splat mark in Varrock square, so the unfortunate adventurer was soon soaring above the parched ground of the wilderness.

“Thank you, kind creature of evilness,” said Hoop.

Suddenly, the demon let go, and Hoop was falling straight for Varrock.

He searched through the backpack for anything that could help. There were a lot of ropes and a rune pickaxe inside. The backpack had Saradomin’s symbol on it, meaning its owner had died, and was given a “More-than-second-chance”. If he died again (Which he had, hence the grave) the bag would be left behind, and the three most expensive items would be in a new bag (which they were). Hoop looked at the initials. “I.E. Jnr.”

Itrade Edarti!

Ah! Then it made sense! Itrade had told the tavern about the flying experience! Hoop had always wondered what had happened to the pickaxe and ropes Itrade hadn’t used for the excavation of the sea.

Hoop took out the pickaxe and swung it at the tower of the Varrock church. The head came off, and a rope was tied around it. Hoop held on to the shaft, zoomed over the bank, and came back.

After a while, it had stopped, so he went back to bank his items. He kept the pickaxe and ropes, too, just in case.

Meanwhile, six other demons were just dropping the group of bloodthirsty friends.

They crashed through the bank, and thanks to their armor and health, they survived.

“It’s him!” hissed Race.

“AAARGH!” cried Hoop, as he jumped over the banker’s booth and ran through their trapdoor.

I’m lost after this door! The job was in the front, and only for one day! thought Hoop, as he remembered his job as a banker.

He bumped into a man with a cat.

“You almost squished my Mini Fluffs!” said the banker.

“I need to get to an inter-bank portal room! Quick!” said Hoop.

“They’re that way, but what are you doing in-” the banker was interrupted by a half-dozen madmen, charging through the hall, with their weapons brandished.

“ARGH!” he cried, and ran into the cold-storage room.

This room is where all things alive or that could rot were frozen and re-heated. These items included pets, logs, food, remains, and many other things.

The warriors didn’t seem to notice him.

“I must help that man, Mini Fluffs! Stay here, be quiet, and I’ll get back to you, okay?” said the man to his cat.

“Mew!” Mini Fluffs reassured.

“Okay, here’s where you prove yourself, Kitty. Here’s where you prove yourself,” said the man, as he charged into the weapons locker.

He selected a crossbow, grabbed some bolts, and ran into the hallway.

“Stop, or I’ll shoot!” he cried.

Dun Argoth turned around, and fired an arrow.

It hit the crossbow out of Kitty’s hands.

As Kitty turned around to retrieve the weapon, he saw another banker holding his Mini Fluffs.

“No! My Mini Fluffs!” cried Kitty, as he charged towards the banker.

“What do you think you’re doing? This is a crisis, we’re evacuating all items! Those madmen destroyed the lobby!” said the man.

“That item[b] is my cat!” said Kitty.

“Oh. I thought it belonged to the customers. Well, you better get it, it’s chasing after those madmen,” said the other banker.

“My Mini Fluffs!” he cried, as he ran after the cat.

Hoop entered the room and saw the chests in front of him. The mad ranger was on his tail.

He dived into the one labeled “Ardougne South”.

“RAARGH!” screamed Race, as he fired arrows through the chest with unmatched speed.

Hoop landed in a chest full of kite shields. There was something else there, but he had smashed it all. He pulled a shield up. It was pierced through with arrows in under five seconds.

He got out of the chest and ran out to the lobby. Race had dived into the chest as well, and was right on Hoop’s heels.

Golin, Punisher, Dun, Uru, and Manny entered the room.

“There’s no sign of them! Split up!” barked Urubaen.

Golin ran into “The Grand Tree”, Punisher jumped into the Ardougne chest, Manston dived into “Falador East”, Urubaen took “Varrock West”, and Dun Argoth ran into “Yanille”.

Mini Fluffs, however, trotted along past the “Kite Shield and Strength Potion Inter-Town Room” to the “Sardine and Milk Inter-Town Room”.

“Mini Fluffs!” cried Kitty, as he ran into the “Kite Shield and Strength Potion Inter-Town Room”.

“-Ow!” said a chest.

“My Mini Fluffs!” exclaimed Kitty, as he dived into Punisher’s chest.

Golin opened his eyes. He took a sip off the yellow stuff around him, before drinking it all.

He exploded in size, and found himself on a large branch.

“You fool! What were you doing in our mini-vault?!? You KNOW that potions counter the shrink!” screamed a red-faced gnome.

Golin grabbed the gnome in one hand, and the poor guy exploded.

“HE’S NOT HERE!” cried Golin, but he felt himself being pulled to the south-east, so that’s where he ran, but not before smashing through many, many little gnome tree-houses.

Punisher had drunk the yellow liquid as well. After a powerful upwards leap, he was standing in the docks.

“You’re not my Mini Fluffs!” cried Kitty, as he climbed through the portal back to the Varrock main branch.

Punisher stood in confusion for a while, then heard a commotion from the market stalls. He turned on his heels and ran.

Manston smashed through the trapdoor in the bank. He dived through a booth window and looked around the lobby.

“Ardougne is where he is! Take me there!” he barked to a mage next to him.

“Not on your life,” said the mage.

Manston punched him through the bank walls.

“Not on yours, either. Now, Ardougne, anyone?” he said, but he was already showered in runes.

Urubaen was running through the streets of Varrock before the calling came. He teleported to Ardougne an instant later.

Dun Argoth emerged from the vault. As he jogged down the hallway, a cat hissed at him and jumped on his dragon hide.

He pulled out his dragon dagger and was about to strike the animal when a rubber chicken whacked him across his head.

“No one touches Mini Fluffs!” Kitty yelled, before thwacking Dun over the head again.

“INCOMPETENCE!” cried Dun Argoth, as he proceeded to ventilate Kitty.

Mini Fluffs pounced on him, and bit Dun between the legs.

“EEEEE!” he screamed, as he tried to pull the cat off.

Kitty stumbled to a door, and feasted on the lobsters and pies inside.

When he emerged again, Dun Argoth had fainted. Mini Fluffs held Dun Argoth’s underwear in his mouth.

“Good cat! Let’s get out of here!” said Kitty, as he grabbed Mini Fluffs and made for the chest.

In Ardougne, everyone and everything had at least one rune arrow inside them. Well, almost. Punisher, Race, and Hoop were still intact.

Hoop was upstairs of the north house. Punisher jumped through the wall and landed in front of him.

“NOW YOU DIE!” he thundered.

Hoop jumped through the hole in the wall, and was fired at by Race. An arrow struck his left leg.

Hoop collapsed in the center of the marketplace. Race ran over and pulled the bow over his head. He reached inside his quiver, but it was empty.

“Move aside!” roared Punisher, as he raised his war hammer for the kill. Hoop rolled aside, picked himself up and ran west.

Manston and Urubaen appeared in the marketplace, and saw Hoop running.

“Not so fast!” declared Urubaen, as he fired a wave of fire through the city.

Hoop fell in a manhole as the wave of heat rushed over his head.

He climbed out and began to run.

A wall of archers stood before him. They pulled back their arrows, and he dived to the floor.

The barrage of arrows flew through the air, directly towards Punisher, Manston, Urubaen, and Race.

Punisher jumped south, through the wall of a building. Manston and Race fell prone.

Suddenly, the arrows flew back in a mass of directions. All the rangers were impaled, and Hoop’s right leg was impaled.

“That wind wave took care of that lot, but the Council’s got more where that came from. We’ve got to kill him soon!” cried Urubaen.

Suddenly, the north building where Hoop had recently dived from collapsed, and Golin Slayer emerged from the rubble.

In a church south of Ardougne, a crowd was gathered around the magic box.

“The madmen have destroyed the Ardougne market, and have wiped out a squad of the Council’s finest rangers. Will they ever be stopped?” the reporter in the box declared.

In a room nearby, they monks were gathered around.

“Brothers, Emb would normally take care of a situation like this, but he is busy elsewhere. I require a volunteer,” said the head monk.

“I will go,” said one.

“But brother Ultrachimp, you haven’t taken the test of initiation into the military branch!” cried one.

“This shall be his test,” said the head monk. “Protect the “Scout”. The reporters were wrong. There are only five madmen in Ardougne, and they have one target. Saradomin be with you, brother.”

Hoop was hiding in the Adventurer’s store. The owners were tending to his wounds.

“It won’t be long now! Our walls won’t hold against that jumping madman! Strongest I’ve ever seen!” said the woman.

“The fires on the bottom floors are being put out! I’m afraid we’re doomed!” said the man.

“I’ve got teleport runes for two. Both of you leave! I can take care of myself!” said Hoop, as he picked himself up.

They obeyed.

In the main Varrock branch, chaos was also rife.

“I shall teach you for meddling in my path!” cried Dun Argoth, as he let another blast of fire down the hall.

The Kitty and his kitty were hiding in the cold storage room.

“Shhh!” he said to Mini Fluffs, as Dun Argoth entered.

“No more messing around with magic, it’s time for some heavy duty melee!” he said, as he smashed into a block of ice. A giant’s remains fell out.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are,” he said, smashing the block next to the one Kitty was hiding behind.

A pile of yew logs spilled out on Dun Argoth. Kitty took it as an opportunity to run.

“Come back and fight me, cowards!” cried Dun Argoth, as he pushed the last log away.

Kitty was already out of the bank when Dun Argoth emerged. He stuffed Mini Fluffs in his backpack as he ran.

Suddenly, he hit two women.

“Oi! Watch where you’re going!” said the first.

“Yeah! You almost broke my nail!” said the other.

“Pardon me, I’m escaping death,” said Kitty.

“Oooh! Can we come?” asked the first.

A rune throwing axe flew right past Kitty’s head.

“Whatever!” he said, as he ran off.

“Come on, Cristal!” said one.

They ran off after the banker.

In Ardougne, Urubaen was conjuring another spell.

“Stop that jumping, or I’ll blow you away as well!” he said to Punisher.

He let the blast fly free, and it smashed into the wall in an explosion of flame.

Punisher leapt in.

“There’s no one here!” he exclaimed.

Then he saw the hole in the other side of the wall, and a rope hanging out.

“He’s on the roof!” yelled Race, as he let loose a barrage of arrows that he had stolen from the rangers.

Hoop was running along the tiled roof as the arrows whizzed past him. He was thankful for the pickaxe and rope he had discovered in the wilderness.

He leapt off the building, and, despite the amazing distance, landed in the river.

Nearby, Ultrachimp got up from his kneeling position, mumbled thanks to Saradomin for the miracle, and ran off.

Kitty was hiding under Juliet’s bed. He heard the door creak open, and cringed.

“Hello? Are you in there?” said a female voice.

“It’s us, Cristal Gurl and White Tiger Lady!” said another.

“Shut up and hide! That madman will be here anytime!” he said.

“What madman? That’s my brother’s friend,” said Cristal Gurl.

Dun Argoth ran into the room.

“Where is the banker?” he demanded.

“Under the bed,” said White Tiger Lady.

“Idiots!” screamed Kitty, as he ran off the balcony.

Dun Argoth charged after him.

“Hey, isn’t this Juliet’s house?” said Cristal Gurl.

“It is, cool!” said White Tiger Lady.

“That must be her cat!” said Cristal Gurl, motioning under the bed.

In the Barbarian Village, Kitty was still running from Dun Argoth.

He reached in his backpack for Mini Fluffs, but it was empty.


Hoop ran through the Khazard battlefield, dodging gnomes and humans.

Urubaen, Manston, Race, Punisher, and Golin Slayer were right behind him.

“Your time is running out!” said Golin Slayer, as he hurled a gnome at Hoop.

Urubaen fired another wind wave, sending a spear wall flying.

Race was firing arrows at an insane pace, impaling gnomes, humans, and terror birds.

Punisher and Golin were picking up everything they could find and hurling it Hoop’s way.

Suddenly, they were all bound in the spot.

“You’re all under arrest, by the order of the RuneScape High Council. Drop your weapons,” said a mage.

Urubaen broke free of the spell, and fired a wave of water at the mages.

Hoop was bound for a moment, but the spell broke early and he ran off again.

Ultrachimp kissed his holy symbol, thanked Saradomin for the miracle, and pursued Hoop again.

“The madmen are getting away! After them!” cried the head mage, as he got up from the soggy mess.

Kitty had burst through the doors of Juliet’s house to the sight of WTL and Cristal Gurl playing with his cat.

“My Mini Fluffs!” he said, seizing the cat in his hands.

Dun Argoth charged inside.

“I have you now!” he said.

Suddenly, he stopped.

A monk stood behind him.

“Where are your friends?” he asked.

“What are you talking about?” Dun Argoth shot back, though in a much more normal voice.

“Your friends! The other ones hunting down that innocent man!” demanded the monk.

“Ardougne I think, but… Why am I myself again?” he asked.

“I broke the curse of the Freneskean gem. My name is Ringer. I saw what was going on in Varrock. I suspected you had been cursed. Your frustration with the banker was stronger than the illogical hate of the innocent man, and with the urges of the gem, he became your new target,” the monk explained.

“Take this ring. Rub it, and you will find yourself in a special section of our monastery. You will be briefed there. Both of you,” said Ringer, as he walked off.

“Can we see that?” asked Cristal Gurl.

“Yeah, it looks cool,” said White Tiger Lady.

Kitty rubbed the ring, and the whole group was teleported in a flash.

On Port Khazard, a stakeout was in the making.

The wizards of the Council were sealing off all exits, Urubaen, Manston, Punisher, Golin, and Race were inside a building, preparing for a do-or-die attack on Hoop, Hoop was hiding in a southern building, still wondering what the hell was going on, and Ultrachimp was on the docks, thanking Saradomin for allowing him extra lung capacity.

“We’ll destroy the place, lads. Leave nothing standing,” said the head wizard.

“Those six madmen have been destroying Ardougne for no reason. I want their bodies lined up in front of me. The man in the dragon plate mail body and extreme strength, that wizard, the ranger, the mad leaping man, the burly man, and that guy who always runs in the front, a scout, probably,” he continued.

“Yes sir!” replied the mages, as they prepared their spells.

Ultrachimp looked through the window of the building. Inside, the five targets were crouched together, discussing a strategy.

Just as he was about to jump inside and do them justice, a voice rang in his head.

Ultrachimp! This is Abbot Langley! Do not kill them! One of our monks, Ringer, has just told us a very likely scenario! They’re cursed by the Freneskean gem! Do not kill them! You have the emergency runes and the ingredients for the spell, in case this ever happened. Their skills are essential in the liberation. It has already begun, Ultrachimp, and we need them. And the one they’re pursuing. All of them. You need to get them back. We’ve got a qualified monk vacationing in Karamja. He should be in the Brimhaven pub. Use his ring. The fate of RuneScape is in this moment, you must succeed.

Ultrachimp smashed in the window, cast the spell on the group, and told them of the situation.

“On three, lads! One… Two… Three!” cried the head mage. They mages let their spells loose, flattening the port.

Hoop felt crushed beneath the building. By some divine intervention, he still had the strength to get out.

He saw the mages firing at his pursuers. The former madmen seemed different, and he ran with them.

“Murphy’s new trawler! Everyone in!” cried Ultrachimp.

The mages continued blasting away at the ship, but it got away.

“Damn. Call the Council’s navy, we’ve failed,” said the head mage.

In the trawler’s hold, Ultrachimp explained the situation to Hoop.

“Wow. That’s deep,” said Hoop.

Suddenly, a cannonball flew the hold. The ship began to take in water.

“It’s the darned navy! To the deck, everyone! Karamja is a stone’s throw away!” cried Ultrachimp.

On the deck, the full situation was realized. They were surrounded by ships, and they had nothing to fight back with.

Suddenly, the trawler crashed into the island.

They jumped to shore. Dodging cannonballs and arrows, they made it to Brimhaven.

The mages were there to greet them.


The fugitives dived to the ground, and the jungle behind then was soon an inferno.

“I’m a monk!” cried Ultrachimp, jumping to his feet.

“Hold your fire!” cried the head mage.

“You’re a hostage, then?” said the head mage.

Before he could answer, a wave of air knocked the mages about.

“Don’t just stand there! Run!” said Urubaen, putting away his staff.

Soon the group was in the pub. A monk lay dead on the floor. A pirate stood above him, breathing heavily.

“Stuck up noob,” he said, as he put away his steel scimitar.

Race sent an arrow through the pirate’s heart.

Ultrachimp ran to the monk’s body, and searched for the ring.

The pirates charged on the group.

Golin Slayer tossed a table at them, sending splinters everywhere.

Punisher wrestled with the bartender for a while, before smashing his chest in.

Race fired arrows into anyone who got close.

Urubaen set a group of pirates on fire with his spell.

Manston flung the pirates out the windows.

“I’ve got it!” cried Ultrachimp. “Gather around!”

The group bunched in, and Ultrachimp rubbed the ring.

The pub collapsed just as they disappeared.

   So yeah,


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